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explain to me this thing you call soft skills….

| Sharon Clews

Those words – “soft skills” I hear so often. As a coach and HR Professional working in Leadership Development, I wrinkle up a little more every time I hear this phrase. People skills are not soft skills. Learning how to manage and lead people is not a soft task. It’s not an easy task and even if you do it naturally, there will always be skills that are hard to learn and very difficult to master.

In my career, some of the most difficult things I ever had to do were have tough honest conversations, or provide difficult feedback, or lead someone through change or a crisis, or become the bearer of terrible news, or remove someone from their job, or discipline someone, or be the one who is the very first to tell them they aren’t doing as good a job as they thought, or to be the leader wanting to change culture, or disagree with my boss or, or, or …….

Maybe I should stop there because that already sounds anything but soft to me. These aren’t soft skills perhaps in the way I consider that word soft used. I acknowledge the term is used to indicate that it’s not spreadsheets, data analysis and business development we are doing. Those things are definitely hard. Maybe soft is meant to imply that because its people related, it’s soft? In work terms, being soft can be considered an insult. In sporting terms it’s an insult to be soft. So – the language is just all messed up. In my short stint on the planet, soft people are the thoughtful, caring, sensitive and self-conscious ones. Much the way I’d like all leaders to be. 

Language is so important and I feel like the word soft doesn’t do these Leadership responsibilities any justice. They aren’t easy skills to learn either. I had a bit of a baptism of fire with my leadership skills (as I am sure most people do!) and I learned them without any education or “training”. I was thrust into a really tough job and had to just learn as I went along in the course of my normal working day running a business. Because that’s what we expect from our leaders right? That they show their skills, whatever texture – in the way they lead their teams. 

There is nothing soft about any of the skills we need, to do the work I talk about here. Soft skills insults the very tough, real life, day to day human tasks of leading people. Of being a role model and of calling out the hard stuff. It’s true, they are skills like any other, but calling them soft to me implies they are easy. They aren’t. 

If anyone has a better term, please let’s start having that conversation! 

politics and religion. right or happy?

| Sharon Clews

Are these words cringe-worthy?

We are often taught, much like never working with small children or pets, to avoid talking about politics and religion in polite company. Well – we can’t live in the world without being aware of either, so why do we advocate staying away from these topics? Is it because we don’t really understand the topics? I doubt it. Whilst we have many experts in these fields, and that isn’t always us, it doesn’t mean we have to give it a miss. We can still talk about these subjects whilst remaining curious and respectful even if we vehemently disagree. Can’t we??

I witnessed a discussion the other day, where ostensibly the two people having it were of the same political persuasion – but they had a very different take on events. They were both passionate about their viewpoint and they both wanted to be heard. They also wanted to make sure the other one knew who was in the right!

But it doesn’t have to be like this. If we are prepared to converse like adults – religion or politics shouldn’t be off limits. We all have opinions and these subjects tend to engender some hearty and animated discussions at times. All of that is fine. A difference of opinion is fine. A conflict is actually fine.

Conflict, quite simply is a difference of opinion. OK so the dictionary says “a serious disagreement or argument, typically a protracted one.” But we disagree…..surely that’s just splitting hairs. Right?

At the very core of conflict is this dis-agreement. As in there is no right or wrong – it is an agreement we either hold or we don’t. The “conflict” as such could be at polar opposites of the spectrum, or it might just be millimetres away.

It isn’t actually the conflict that causes the problems though – it is more than likely how we address it. If I rant and rave and you scream and shout – we are much less likely to meet anywhere in the middle. We are much less likely to learn something new. We are much less likely to remain calm and we are definitely much less likely to leave the discussion in high spirits or with a new-found respect for our conversational partner.

Religion and politics will always (sadly, in my opinion) be contentious areas of discussion. We all hold beliefs that are dear to us and we all at times, don’t want to be persuaded that we are “wrong”. A good friend of mine has always reminded me of the wonderful question:

Do you always want to be right, or do you want to be happy?

H Jackson Brown Jr.

When I asked my mother this once, she replied she wants to be both! Not really the point – but I see where she was coming from. Why is it so important for us to be right? Which is healthier? Which one will get us to a place of greater acceptance, more curiosity, increased awareness and healthier tolerance. I don’t think it’s being right. And – anyway, right according to whom? Right about what?

If we debate an issue, a disagreement, a conflict with an open mind, pausing to take in what the other person is telling us, really listening to their reasons – is there an opportunity for greater collaboration? Maybe. At times a conflicting discussion or argument is simply one way of belligerently ensuring we make the other person see our point of view. But what if there was another way? What if we went in with grace, kindness and curiosity about their opinion. What if we asked them a series of questions about their data or their viewpoint. What if we said things like “I’m not sure I see it that way”, or “I do think we hold opposing views”, or “that has never been my experience, I am keen to hear more” or “We may never agree on this topic, but let’s keep talking so we can both keep learning”.

If however, we go in with a point of making ourselves heard and right, and trying with all our might to persuade the other person that their opinion is worthless and we have the right one – then we miss those opportunities. We miss the opportunity to make ourselves vulnerable. We miss the learning something new, becoming more self-aware. It’s true, we might also miss a damn good fight or a blustering argument – but do we want to be right or do we want to be happy?